CONFIDENTIAL - FOR YOUR EYES (AND BORROWED ONES ONLY)
My friends as you are well away Hell has been suffering. I am aware that since the 2000s the world has been shifting to the right and as so Heaven has relaxed its intake rule and therefore we have less stock. When I witnessed the fighting in the canteen between the Sucubi and the Warlocks, I realised something has got to change.
The suggestion box was first suggested by Sherri in Surgical Readjustments I admit I was sceptical, but then it just goes to show that I am flawed. I should really need to say this but first. Dave, Danielle, Steve, Lydia and Amosita You are all well aware that Armageddon has a time and a place. It's out of my hands guys, there is no point in asking time and time again. We all know Lilith is working on it, but the times and places that's decided by the higher ups.
So wading through the trash - Schotchy I know it was you, it's not big, and it's not clever - it's what they made loo roll for - I found one that may just work. So I would like everyone to thank Bab’s from disenbowling but I think we may have found a solution to our problem.
In the good times, we could just wait for people to come to us. We had witches, warlocks, politicians and heck even that dumb kid who wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps. Heck, I think he’ll be one of our last tradition ones. Guys, we have to rebrand. Yes, yes, I can hear the booing at the back. Inferno, Hell, Hades and so on and so, but this is different. This is radical, and I am told that's popular on Earth these days.
We need to get people to come to us again. What she and I propose is opening hell up to the public so they can holiday here.
Satans Summer Hellish Holiday
Satans Camping and Breaks
Summer Holidays in the Sheol
I admit some of those names may need some work, but that's what PR is for! Think about it. Let us remove the taboo from hell. It will have three outcomes, maybe even more.
#1. People will know hell exists!
At the moment we get less and less trade through non believers. What better way to put hell back! How can they deny our existence if they can come and visit for two weeks!
#2. We are back on the radar baby!
If Hell is a place you can visit it will be flooded with people wanting to make deals. Think of all the repossessions of souls - and possessions, Hey Pazuzu this one’s for you! - If you know you can call on a demon and get what you want then I am willing to bet millions would.
I hear it all the time ‘can I switch department, I am so run down tormenting sexual predators all day.’ Well how about this, let's get someone else to do it! With the extra added bonus they will pay us for the privilege.
Imagine, you want to kill a dictator! How about get a shot of yourself donking one on the head. Want to kick Hitler in the balls, well come on down to Hell and have a go! Did a movie writer or director spoil your favourite franchise? Well come on down they may be here. Why should the demonic creatures have all the fun, come around and stay for a while, learn how to dismember a body, learn how to remember a body! (ed. This one needs work). Inlaws used to drive you bonkers? Take a trip and pay them a visit and see what we have for them. We can have the usual crap that people expect as well. A roller coaster through purgatory. Mini golf where the holes are heads of people… you know the “normal” stuff.
We can run a gift shop with various items. I am told this may be the busiest in October but we can expect a huge boost in income year round. Buy a possession for someone you hate! Selling your soul in three easy steps, all automated! We can even develop an app for that! Possessed toys, get your genuine article right from hell.
There are downsides to it all, we are going to have to build Hotels and camping areas. Honestly though Greed, Fraud and others we just are not getting the work in to justify you having a full circle any more. I wish it weren't the case but we all know it is. I am going to be merging a few circles to make way for this. If works picks up - as it will! - then I’ll speak the big guy and get us some more room.
This is not going to be easy and there will need to be changes for us all. Charon will have to get his hair cut and fix up the boat, it's looking very run down. Some of you will have to learn to smile and how to interact with the public. Unless Lilith uses them - and god knows with her - some of the more recent creations and the ones that we have not used will need to be put into storage or hidden from sight, we don't want out plans getting out! We will still have to stick to the rules, no lying only persuasion and misdirection. You have to have someone willing to sell their soul, you can't just take it. Vetting will be tough, lots of nonbelievers out there but we don't want to let any believers down here who still partake in the odd witch hunt. Can you imagine if they got into data storage! That should not be too hard though, they always have that look about them.
I just want to say thank you to everyone. I know it's been a rough few decades but we have survived worse and I really feel we are going to come through this stronger!